After I got married, my social life drastically shifted. Instead of spending all of my spare time in the comfort of my home watching re-runs of Murder She Wrote or making out random lists, I started socializing with people. And most of those people happen to be other married couples, some with children. I’m still socially awkward around them and when I’m not hyperventilating in a public restroom I try to keep my conversations fairly basic: How are you? How are you doing?
That usually gets me through the first 2 minutes. And then I ask the only other question I can think of: How is your baby?
This inevitably leads to another 20 minutes of couples gushing over their child and how amazed they are by their offspring’s simple, oftentimes involuntary acts.
“Charlie smiled today.”
“Bradley stood up on his own for the first time.”
It is during these moments that I would love nothing more than to crawl back into my apartment and sit alone in the dark (how peaceful). But society frowns upon this sort of behavior. So I go to my fallback plan: I whip out my phone and start passing around pictures of my cat, Siegfried.
If the parents I am with are insistent on their child’s superiority, I follow up with a line of questioning that goes something like this. Does your baby also greet you at the door when you come home? Can your baby chase after a laser pointer? Does your baby even know what a laser pointer is?
That usually quiets them down. Of course, I’m never sure if they stop arguing because I’ve won the debate or if they just have doubts about my mental state. And if you still have doubts, just take a look at these photos of Siegfried.