Wedding Speech Templates

I’m not sure if anyone is planning on making a speech at our wedding, but I suspect that any spiel will fall into one of these five categories:

The over-the-top, I’m trying too hard to be your friend speech. This speech is usually given by the person we invited out of pity. You know, because he or she is just always around, inviting himself/herself to private events just because they want to spend time with us. I imagine any person who gives this speech will have been working on it well before we invited them and possibly years before we even announced our nuptials.

I took advantage of the free liquor and now I’m not sure why I’m standing here with a microphone, but I can’t stop grinning and I need a smoke. This speech will be full of non sequiturs until it eventually degrades into random quotes from The Simpsons or Star Trek.

The wholesome speech usually involves a decent amount of talk about this guy named God whom everyone has heard of and no one has seen. God was not invited to the wedding (I didn’t have his email address and I don’t know him too well) but if he is really omnipresent, he will be there to hear his name evoked a few times. I just hope he brings a gift.

I don’t know what to say and I’m a little embarrassed standing up here so I’ll just keep repeating myself because I don’t know what to say and I’m a little embarrassed standing up here.

Then there’s the the crying speech, which has no relation to the film The Crying Game, unless Sebastien had some lurid past I am not aware of. The person giving this speech is lucky if they get five words out before their eyes well up and their voice begins to crack. This quickly turns to awkward silence until someone pries the blubbering, snot-nosed guest from the microphone to needlessly offer condolences.

Sebastien and I will be taking side bets on which of our friends and family members give which speech.


About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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