Seating Arrangements

Now that the we are getting RSVPs for the reception, I am told that I should consider seating arrangements for the guests. This is going to be hard. I have to place myself in the mind of each and every family member and friend, and think, who will they hate sitting next to the least? I already know to separate the pot heads from the asthmatics and I would be wise to keep the seniors far from the Goths. “So what do you have that ring hanging out of your nose for?” I imagine my 81-year-old stepfather questioning a friend. “You look like a bull.”

And I have to disperse the cool kids. I don’t want anyone to feel left out.

I was never at the cool table during lunch time in middle school. I sat with the semi-cool people and I loathed them because I knew they weren’t cool enough. Sure they were nice and invited me to their houses to watch Disney movies, but I wanted to be in the crowd that the boys talked to. The crowd that did something more exciting than soak their retainers in mouthwash while watching X Files on Friday nights.

I infiltrated their cool sphere by accident, however.

It was taco day at school and I was sitting one table over from the cool kids. I was trying to open a tube of sour cream and it exploded in my face. I had white cream all over my nose and eyes and in my hair. The cool kids thought it was hysterical and invited me to sit with them. And that’s how I got in with the crowd. Of course, shortly after joining the club I realized that my main purpose was to amuse them. I was nothing more than a jester, a parlor trick. I played the part for a while. But a few months into my new friends I became so jaded that I turned to the dark side. From then on I would sit in darkened corners of the school with the crowd that wore spiked bracelets and steel-toe boots. We discussed vampires and death and mocked anyone who did not partake in our obsessions.

I’m sure you will find some of those people lurking around at my wedding, but there isn’t going to be any sour cream. So people are just going to have enjoy one another as best they can.

And of course, we’ll need to put an Asian or an Indian at each table for the sake of diversity.


About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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