Adventures in Registry Land

Last weekend my older sister lectured me about making a gift registry. She said people will get us something we don’t want unless we fill one out. “You have to do it,” she said in that gentle yet authoritative tone only older sisters can pull off. And of course I listened. A few days later I was staring at images of place settings and multipurpose bread knife, spatula and foot massagers, and I wondered, how did my life come to this? For all these years I settled for hand me downs and managed with makeshift work desks made of cardboard boxes and random sheets of glass only to find myself in a position where people were begging to buy me gifts. My options were endless and I didn’t know where to start.

I stared at the computer screen scratching my head and emitting strange noises like a monkey in the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Luckily my sister gave me some pointers for what to request before she left. She suggested I include things such as silverware, china and electrical appliances. Sure, those items will be nice, but I just don’t know if we need them all. We could use some new glasses, but all I could find was a 16-piece set of glassware and that would never do. We live in Manhattan and don’t have room for more than four glasses and two coffee mugs. A bread maker would be nice, too, but I would have to plug it in behind the sofa because a coffee pot currently occupies the only free counter space we have.

Then I typed the words ‘bigger apartment’ in the search box. This is what came up:

It was time to call it a night.


About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

3 responses to “Adventures in Registry Land

  • Melissa

    Can’t believe that’s what came up when you typed in bigger apartment. DO NOT register for china! Definitely register for glasses, maybe some regular dishes, update small appliances or pots/pans and maybe some bathroom or bedroom stuff:) Also maybe small electronics for example a camera.
    Submitted by: Older Sister

  • JadedBride

    Yes Older Sister.

  • Steve

    “I stared at the computer screen scratching my head and emitting strange noises like a monkey in the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey.”

    I think you’ll find they were APES…

    Can’t you set-up some kind of gift registry website that is basically a way of generating cash? The site could have pictures of all kinds of gifts that will slowly disappear as people “buy” them for you, it’ll generate automated responses to your guests (“Dear GUEST, thank you so much for buying us GIFTNAME. Sebastien and I will treasure it always and we’ll always think of you, GUEST when we use it.”), and most importantly, it’ll rack up people’s cash in a convenient manner for you to withdraw and spend when the ceremony’s over.

    Choose only breakable items so that if anyone ever comes over afterwards and can’t find the heart-shaped fondue set they lovingly selected for you, you’ll be able to tell them with sorrow in your eyes that it “didn’t survive the move”.

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