The Best Uneventful Event of the Year

I bought my wedding dress a few weeks ago. The transaction took all but five minutes. It was incredibly uneventful and thus fulfilling. It was the first time I successfully made an online purchase of clothing. At my old job I would spend a few hours a week just browsing department store websites and add random articles of clothing to my virtual shopping bag only to close the window when it was time for my three-hour lunch break or online courses of German, Japanese or Spanish. The job was excruciatingly boring so I took the opportunity to indulge in various hobbies. Online shopping was one of them. But I always left the websites before making a purchase because I was never confident that the clothing would fit well or be exactly what I wanted.

My last venture into online shopping was on a website that supposedly catered to body shapes. After an evening of figuring out the measurements of various parts of my body, I typed the numbers into the website form so the site could recommend clothes. One day when I was at work adding random things to my shopping cart, I noticed a pair of black jeans the site thought would look good on me. When I was picking out a size, though, it suggested size 10. At the time I thought the pants ran incredibly small, but now I know the company just wanted to get rid of its last pair in stock. And the company guessed right when they assumed I would be too lazy to return them.

I had to borrow Sebastien’s belt the few times I wore the jeans to keep them from falling to my knees whenever I walked. I looked like an anorexic who didn’t know how to spend the money she was saving by not eating on better fitting clothes to flatter her shrinking frame. I eventually started to use the pants as a last resort rag for excess spills and the website was shut down.

Another time I wanted to replace my favorite pair of brown boots. They were my favorite because whenever I wore them I could see the envy on the faces of other women as they passed me on the street. I spent years browsing stores and websites to find the perfect pair until I found comparable ones online. The display picture was spot on with what I was looking for. Now whenever I wear them I look like a fucking cowboy.

As much as I preferred the lack of human interaction, I didn’t think the online shopping world was for me. But I knew I had to try it to find a dress for this wedding. I just couldn’t deal with walking into stores so overweight, middle-aged women wearing too much makeup could nudge me towards white, balloon-shaped wedding gowns with peacock feathers coming out of the ass.

My online purchase arrived a few days later and cost less $80. It was truly the best uneventful event of the year.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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