What Color is Your Card?

I have one month to find out who Sebastien is before federal officials interrogate us so he can get a green card. Sebastien is Canadian. So the government wants to ensure that our marriage is genuine, not a clever ruse so Sebastien can enjoy the good life in America sans universal healthcare or the great moose.

I was talking to my sister about the interview process we will have to go through and then I started to get nervous. I don’t think I’ll pass the test. Sure I’ve been living with Sebastien for five years now, but I don’t really know anything about him.

According to this New York Times article about green cards through marriages, the government will ask me questions such as which side of the bed does your spouse sleep on, what color are his/her socks and what does your spouse do for work.

For the past five years I have been so indecisive about which side of the bed I prefer that I can’t give a definite answer about that. His side of the bed is determined by whichever side of the bed I slide into and it switches on any given night.

Sebastien has taken to hiding socks from me because I used to only use his and I am notorious for not folding them so what am I supposed to say if they ask me about the color? They are probably black socks. But what if Sebastien secretly wears polka dotted socks or ones with lace on the top?

If they ask what he does for work I will really be screwed. I know it has something to do with computers. He’s always sitting in his darkened corner of the apartment doing something on a computer, but it makes no sense to me. I have asked him on several occasions to explain his job to me, but my mind always wanders off to thoughts of ice cream and kittens when he starts talking.

It’s sad to think that the government still has so much power over us: that they can dismiss our marriage based on some random questions. I understand that the government is just trying to make sure that a free loading immigrant doesn’t pay his way into the country like so many before Sebastien. But if you think about it, a lot of those freeloaders are the ones who try their hardest to find work in this country? Sebastien found work before me when we moved here. And aren’t immigrants doing the jobs most Americans think are below them?

Why can’t I charge a few thousand dollars to marry people into the country? How entrepreneurial of me. And it sounds more productive than all of those people sitting around collecting welfare checks.

Just to be sure there are no problems at the immigration office, maybe I’ll let Sebastien do all of the talking. He can explain to the kind officials that I am too self-absorbed and that is why I can’t answer any questions about the man I love. He’ll tell them that my mind is so far in another world for any American man to want to marry and what he is doing is really an act of kindness.

Or, maybe I will just have to teach Sebastien the one way to get ahead in America: to cheat.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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