The Veat Stops Here

Sorry vegan friends, there will be no beer battered tofu cakes or tempeh teriyaki rolls to eat at my wedding. Dessert will be loaded with dairy and other delicious animal byproducts and the booze will not meet your lofty standards, I’m sure. I didn’t even try to fight to get some of your favorite foods (or food groups) on the menu. Who has the time and patience for that anymore? I don’t even know how to separate the truth from urban legend when it comes to what’s vegan. Most of my information comes from the pot smoking goth and punk kids I used to hang with in high school. They told me things like sugar is rolled in animal bones and Oreos are vegan.

My parents endured a couple of years when I decided to be vegan and I’m surprised they didn’t just force feed me meat or kill me. I was a real pain in the ass when it came to grocery shopping and eating out at restaurants.

“Don’t you know that chicken broth comes from chickens?” I would say to my dad after he showed me the packets of Ramen he bought me at the store.

“Mom, it doesn’t matter if you took the ham out of the split pea soup because the damage is already done.”

(My parents are very kind people.)

All that to say I understand where you are coming from with your requests, vegans. There was a time in my life when I needed to fight for a ridiculous cause in order to feel special and important. But, vegans, you are just going to have to learn that everything isn’t about you and your furry little forest friends. My wedding is about me and Sebastien so you can a) stop your bitching and deal with it, or b) find another friend and another wedding to attend.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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