A Classy Exit

Tara contacted me today. She wanted to introduce me to Designer Limousine. She said she will be available to accommodate all transportation needs for my wedding. I’m not sure if Tara is a real person or just a name attached to a computer-generated email, but I do have some questions for her.

Until now, I hadn’t thought about a vehicle to carry Sebastien and me three blocks from the Stamford train station to the wedding venue or to get us from the wedding venue to the hotel, conveniently situated a mere block away. I just assumed we would walk.

But I am learning that walking is not good enough. Especially not on my wedding day. I looked at some of the limousines and luxury cars Tara included in her email and they just aren’t good enough for me. Below I’ve prepared some modes of transportation I would like to run by Tara. Other suggestions are appreciated.

Powersisers. These bad boys are spring-loaded stilts that are part walking, jumping, or running, combined with a superhero-like ability to leap objects in a single bound. If there is snow on the ground, Sebastien and I will duke it out American Gladiator style.

The zorb. It’s a giant inflatable ball, cushioned by a thick layer of air so we can roll down hills. Note: I don’t think there are any hills in Stamford so I might need a push out the door.

Human cannonball. All I ask is that you aim for the water or a pillowy lump of snow that you know exists. We might not survive this one, but since divorce statistics are so high, we’re probably better off if we quit while we’re ahead.


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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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