The Great Bridal Expo was worse than anything I have ever seen. Hundreds of couples crammed into a banquet hall where random salespeople came at us from all directions with registration forms for a chance to win free liposuction or a trip to Jamaica among other crap that seemed irrelevant to a wedding. I wasn’t interested in any of that. I wanted free stuff and practical advice on how to find a cheap DJ and where to get a nice dress.
I was about to leave when I saw some brides-to-be walking around with mini cupcakes. My mouth began to water. That was what I wanted. A cupcake was going to make the evening worth while and I set out to find one.
I turned a corner where rows of tables were set up. At one table, two women stood beside a display of fabrics. I stepped closer to investigate.
“Hi, what’s this?” I said. I scanned the table for food. Nothing. I needed to move on, but the woman roped me in.
She held up a nude-colored bustier and informed me that it was perfect if I didn’t want to spend time at the gym before my special day because “it sucked it all in.”
“Well I like my hips,” I said.
The woman took a step back and looked me up and down. “Those are nice,” she said. She turned around to show me up with her gloriously round ass tucked into a tight tweed skirt. “I want to keep this,” she said.
I smiled and walked away.
At another table a woman was pouring out Dixie cup-sized samples of some beverage. I reached for one hoping for a sugary drink.
“This is like a b12 shot,” she said. “It’s the closest thing to blood, sweat and tears.”
I set the cup down. I was disgusted and started to feel faint.
I decided to make one final trip around the floor in search of the cupcakes. Just as I turned a corner, a saleswoman jumped in front of me. “Would you like to fill out a form to win free tuxedos and bridesmaid dresses?” she said. I noticed a bag in her hand and thought maybe there was candy inside. I didn’t know if it was worth taking the chance.
“How many bridesmaids are you having?” she said.
“How many tuxedos do you need?” she said.
It wasn’t worth it.
At this point my blood sugar level was dangerously low. I saw the exit and went for it. Once I was back on the street, I raced to the nearest bodega for a black and white cookie. While I consumed the sugary goodness I looked around at the rows of pork rinds and donut holes and the cigarettes and scratch-offs stacked behind the counter and I realized that I was finally in a place where I could get what I wanted.