Wedding Dress Mistakes (or things that should have never seen the light of day)

Every now and then I glance at dresses online just to get an idea of what’s out there. And with every decent dress I find, there are at least 10 pieces of crap that follow. And no matter how hideous (I’m talking dresses with a hole in the middle so all the guests can see your pregnant belly, like this one courtesy of tackyweddings.com) these dresses all cost more money than the therapy sessions the designer is court ordered into after revealing these specimens to the world.

So for starters, I’ve laid out some ground rules:

I’m not wearing white. It does nothing for my figure or facial features and I could care less about Queen Victoria, the person commonly credited for the tradition of a white wedding. Since I’m not wearing white, I should probably be able to get away with a less expensive dress. Maybe I will tell the shopkeepers that I am buying a dress for a funeral. They give bereavement fares for airlines so why not see if this works, too. Of course, there will be questions when I pick out some blue lacy thing. “My friend would have wanted it this way,” I would say, weeping into the delicate fabric.

I do not want to be mistaken for the fruit bowl.

Nothing that looks like a vagina. I’m talking about a bona fide vagina dress. Georgia O’Keeffe went more metaphor with her paintings, but this thing needs to be in premed books. I’m uncomfortable just looking at it. Click on the link if you dare, but I refuse to post it in the blog.

Nothing that attempts to make a biblical reference. Jewlicious recently celebrated Hideous Israeli Wedding Dress Awareness Day by showing off this diamond in the rough that seems to be “reenacting the parting of the Sea that exists between the bride’s upper chestal region and her navel.  (yes, chestal.)”

Nothing that makes me look like a bear. We are marrying in March and I don’t want a hunter to consider me fair game.

Send me some of the hideous wedding dresses you have found and I will post them up. And if you happen to be in possession of a hideous wedding dress, you can just give it to me and I will burn it for you. No questions asked. Just like the gun buyback program.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

3 responses to “Wedding Dress Mistakes (or things that should have never seen the light of day)

  • Coco the jew

    I agree the vagina dress…well, what can I say, it’s Supposed to look like vagina, but…I had to respond to your advice to those members of the tribe to stick to babka making and leave fashion to the goys, if only to enlighten your faithful readers…
    Marc Jacobs, ever heard of him? Ralph Lauren? Donna Karan? Calvin Klein. Isaac Mizrahi, Kenneth Cole…. The list goes on- point being, all these designers are Jewish!
    Now I realize I’m totes turning into my mother by posting a list of Jews who sew but, in the interest of journalism, I just thought I should make the point that…We too can thread a needle. La Chaim and peace out

    • Mrs. Frankenscience

      Oy! You got me on that one. Thanks for pointing that out. It’s a wonder that someone had to come up with Hideous Israeli Wedding Dress Awareness Day considering all those great Jewish designers.

    • Mrs. Frankenscience

      Now that I think about it, I can’t sit around with such a glaring error on my blog so I will amend that post. Thanks again for pointing it out.

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