The Wedding Slashers

Congratulations on wanting to spend so much money for four hours of your life.

I expect wedding vendors to say this when I enter their establishments. Instead, they babble incessantly about the need for two dozen passed hors d’oeuvres, food stations (whatever those are) and petit fours and ice cream cones in addition to a 4-tiered cake. And that’s just for 75 people. And that doesn’t even include a seated dinner.

Well, I’ve got news for you wedding vendors: I’m not buying it.

I’d rather give my guests bread and cheese than play into your moneymaking games.

It didn’t take long in the wedding planning process for me to realize that prices for wedding packages are as random as a bear in a tutu. Wedding vendors can pull any number out of their asses and say that it’s the standard price. We haggled prices with one vendor and when I asked him about adding in the champagne toast with our budgeted package, he gazed up thoughtfully before agreeing with a smarmy grin. At that moment it was clear that he was a bad businessman and an even worse actor.

After we told our budget to another vendor, she just decided on a whim to give us 50% off the total and throw in an extra hour of alcohol at no additional charge. Deals like these don’t even happen at Kmart.

Call us smart shoppers or call us cheap, (the latter is more likely the truth) but we are only trying to keep this in perspective. Sure we want to celebrate our marriage with a big party, but we don’t want to have to hitch hike home because we are too broke to afford a train ticket.

And seriously people, how much food can you eat during a cocktail hour before you sit down to a dinner? Yeah, I’m sure the single people or unhappily married couples who will be attending the wedding will want to drown their sorrows out with something, but isn’t that what the free booze is for? No one wants to be miserable and fat.

A lot of these additional fees in wedding packages don’t even make sense. We shouldn’t have to pay some silly fee to cut a cake. I’ll cut the god-damned cake, all right? And on top of the mandatory 20% gratuity there is an additional, optional 6% gratuity we can pay the wait staff if we feel they did a good job. Yeah, they’ve got a prayer if they think they are getting 26% out of me. I’m the girl who leaves bad tips on a regular basis and even worse tips when I get bad service in the hopes of teaching the waiter a lesson.

We’ll give our guests a nice place to hang out for four hours with some food and drink, but they better pack a PB&J if they want a late night snack. We need to save up some money to go to the Metallica concert in September.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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