For the Sake of Greed

I feel weird about the whole wedding registry thing. It’s like a get out of jail free card for being greedy. Now, I’ve read a lot of articles on the matter that say a wedding registry is helpful for guests if they desire to get a gift. It is a way to get items necessary to start a home. And I certainly don’t want to get three toasters. I don’t even have enough counter space in my kitchen for one. (Too bad I can’t put a bigger apartment on the wedding registry.)

Honestly though, it is hard to sit down and think about what you truly need and compile those items onto website registries. And wedding websites are no help when it comes to figuring out how to go about this task.

Weddingchannel.com says I must have a $124 ice bucket. I just can’t imagine what I would use it for, though. It might come in handy if I ever decide to dress up as the Tin Man for Halloween, but I’m sure there are cheaper ways to get that costume.

And I absolutely need a glass candy bowl because I keep lots of Werther’s Original caramels in my house to offer to strange children who stop by to keep me company. Or, instead of paying all that money for a glass jar I can buy my own candy manufacturing plant in Detroit because it costs about the same amount.

And then there’s this:

What the fuck is this? A paper weight. For $500. Are you kidding me? If anyone feels the need to get me a paper weight to save my computer papers from blowing off the table in my windowless Manhattan apartment, I will appreciate whatever you can find in a dollar store. It doesn’t even have to be a paper weight for that matter. I’ll accept a pencil case, a snowglobe without any snow or even a bag of sand.

At this point, I don’t want any of the stuff I am supposed to ask for.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

2 responses to “For the Sake of Greed

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