Salon de Pay

Cities are teeming with wedding planners, makeup artists and DJs who regularly gather at bridal salons to ambush unsuspecting brides-to-be. I haven’t been to one yet. I am still too afraid. I imagine these places are full of vendors hopped up on Prozac or cocaine because it’s all they can do to maintain enthusiasm for their products.

This week, wedding professionals will crawl out of their dark lairs to set up shop at the Wedding Salon in NYC. The website touts it as the ultimate wedding resource event, but I am skeptical. I have to pay $50 just to set foot in the place. And it’s just a hunch, but I’m guessing that once inside, I would have to pay a lot more.

Nevertheless, dozens of vendors will be present at this event to offer unwarranted wedding advice and to sell items that no one in their right mind would need for a wedding: a multipurpose tiger laser/confetti machine/cake slicer, ice sculpture machines with personalized molds of all of your dead relatives and pets, grass (I’m not joking, some couples purchase grass for their wedding reception).

I looked at the list of vendors attending tomorrow’s event and they just seemed like a series of sex-oriented shops that may or may not contain sexual wedding themes.

One company chose the cleverly smart name, Unique Unusuals, which just leaves me wondering how many redundant products they sell. It could be a sex toy shop that sells tickling feather ticklers, which tickle the feather that is tickling the person. Or a lingerie shop that markets double padding bras for the push, push-up look. That ruse will last all the way up to the night of the wedding when your new husband receives his first disappointment in marriage.

The wedding salon will also feature fantasy table decor, which sounds like some sort of dominatrix feast. I just hope they don’t offer a live demonstration with the turkey baster or tongs. I have never soiled any silverware during my love-making, but perhaps this is a part of marriage I am unaware of.

And if that doesn’t whet your appetite for an afternoon of helpful wedding tips, just know that the event hosts specifically ask that no one come in sneakers or flip flops. This is a professional affair.

Maybe I will try to sneak in any way, just for fun.

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About JadedBride

Amy Kraft is a print and radio journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in publications including Scientific American, Discover, Popular Science, The Week, Psychology Today, and Distillations, a podcast out of the Chemical Heritage Foundation. She is currently working on a book of humor essays. View all posts by JadedBride

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